WTF

• Er - menopause! WTF
• Relapse fears / Consultant appointment
• Hair update

So yeah, it's official (ish) I am menopausal. This is no surprise as a) is expected side effect of the pre stem cell transplant chemo b) I haven't had a period (TMI?) since the end of last year and c) have been having crazy hot flushes and night sweats. But you know it still kind of sucks! I am barren- fact. No longer a woman! Yeah yeah I know but at least I am alive, obviously that's brilliant. And I do have a child, my six foot, nearly nineteen year old blue eyed boy :) However - it still feels like something has been taken from me too soon, so- blurgh!

Now the relapse fears kind of link up with the menopause dramas because of the bloody night sweats, which are a symptom of the flippin' lymphoma.......take your pick! So, today I had blood test result indicating menopause and that's very probably to blame for the sweats, probably but who knows? Unless I have another scan....who knows? I have NO itching which was another symptom but I do have an odd painful 'twinge' in my tumour site. I like to think of this as a tumour ghost or echo - kind of a phantom limb type affair. So I saw my Consultant today and we decided that mmmmmyeah well could have a scan if it's totally doing my head in but, mmmmmmyeah I am probably fine so it's up to me. For the moment I have chosen to leave it be. It's weird though, sometimes the reality of possible relapse smacks me in the chops and I am like OH SHIT!! But I don't talk about it day to day 'cos I don't want to make it real and also I don't want to scare anyone......It's a weird limbo reality.

I am now naked head wise in all situations, it's very dark and very soft. Here I go again re- enacting the person who has the confidence to have a buzz cut! It's all good, I know it will grow fast now. By the time I start actual work in May I will look kind of normal. Really looking forward to work, it will be a challenge but fun and good reintegration in to life. My energy levels are fab at the mo, I worked out that I am spending around 12 hours at the gym a week in various activities and pretty much keeping up. The only time I have been tired was after a couple of days at our new allotment digging and stuff, but how worth it will that be come summer when we are munching on our organically grown with love carrots :) Happy days!

Right, must fly, I have a chat and nail painting session to go to.

Be happy

xxx