Day um lots since stem cell transplant......and I have to say life is starting to feel somewhat normal, whatever that means! Well hang on what does it mean?
- I have comparable energy levels to those around me
- I am starting to sleep better (without drugs)
- People aren't doing everything I ask (Doh!!)
- I am starting actual work in May (Eeeeek!)
- I have been doing weights at the gym, yoga, pilates, badminton..
- My hair is growing....at last
- I am about to turn forty! Yay!!!! I made it!!
- I am able to think about the future, because I have one!
- My port scar is healing
So, yeah it's all good :) It's been hard though, adjusting from being officially dying to a solid remission, possible cure. I have been living outside of the normal rules of life for sometime now and I am having to consciously ease my way back in.
I had a period of feeling quite down, and I was so cross because I 'should' have been ecstatically happy to be alive and yet all I felt was that I didn't belong. I still feel like I don't really fit in, I am yet to find my new place in the world, a new identity. But I have chilled out about it a lot and have come to peace with taking baby steps and for now just looking at the next few months and not stressing about what I will be doing in a year or two or however many. I am on borrowed time, I know that. It totally spins me out that I am alive, it hits me every now and then and I am like OMG I shouldn't be here, why am I here? And then, obviously, thank God I am. Strangely enough I am more scared of dying than I ever have been, I guess that's because I have been so close, like up close and personal and I know death, like an entity death is more real to me now. And also I feel like I am the proverbial cat with 9 lives, I must have used them up by now, you know - next time it's curtains!
Despite a tangible awareness of mine and others' mortality I still find my self sweating the small stuff, or obsessing over the superficial. This disappoints me but it seems that my ideal self is still going to take a lot of work and doesn't just automatically reveal itself and take residence merely as a consequence of what I have been through.
I made a list about a year ago of what I was grateful to cancer for.......I can't find it but I remember it being quite long. I need to review my gratitude in light of the events of the last few months, what is clear is that living consciously is so important in order to stay in the moment and cherish life and love. We know what's best and healthy and nourishing for us but we have to revisit that knowledge regularly or things can slip.
On that note I am off to rewrite my gratitude list :)
Om shanti om :)
PS
Went to London last Thursday to see the show Matilda again, it was super bloody amazing! Massive thank you to the Willow foundation for my very "special day out". The show has a very special place in my heart - I ent with my family last year to see and to go back was like closing a circle. I hope I have just managed to put a link to the song "when I grow up" on my blog, I listened to this when I was waiting for my stem cells to arrive and be infused, it resonated with how I felt and I shed some tears......love it.
