Blimey it's been nearly 2 months since I last posted. I guess that's because there are no dramas to report...I continue to wake up each morning, keep breathing etc, I have tons of hair! Yes I am very much still alive and (touch wood symptom free). I am back to 'normal'....except I am not, not at all....I am in a weird kind of limbo and it's rather unsettling to be honest, things feel complicated and I am feeling pretty anxious.
Hmmm I am not making much sense, let me try and explain. When death was certain I knew where I was, I came to terms with it, it was a given. Then there was the chance of cure and the stem cell transplant so that was a new and obviously amazing goal. But now, it sounds odd but there is no goal and the future is there (maybe? probably? is it?) but not tangible. I never asked what my odds were going in to the SCT, I didn't and don't want to know as I have said before I am either cured, or not- the odds are pretty much meaningless...the odds were in my favour to begin with when was first treated for Lymphoma, a small chance of relapse....I relapsed. Then later the odds were against me, I was terminal and now I am not...so yeah odds schmods!
I recently applied for a job, a step towards re establishing some sort of career in healthcare. I have a nice job in the cafe working 2 days a week, but I am feeling like if I don't get back in to something related to my 'field' I might never be able to. I met all the person specifications etc. I really struggled to complete the application as I am so very rusty, this made me sad and scared because this is the type of thing that I used to be able to do without even trying and now I felt like I could barely string a coherent sentence together. Anyway I didn't even get an interview, I am gutted, this is a massive knock. I have got every job I have ever applied for (oh actually there was one I didn't, I applied for an oncology nurse post ironically enough the year I was first diagnosed. I knew sweet F.A about cancer and chemo, I blahed on in my application something about palliative care and dignified death; which in hind sight was utterly inappropriate). So anyway this is obviously a good learning experience and I need to spend some time on my CV and keep applying for jobs......but...
Here's the but, I don't want to get a full time job. I don't want to leave my dog everyday, I don't want the responsibility or the stress. And yet I do want a job where I can use my professional and personal experience and work to my potential. Also, I realised getting back on the career path is symbolic of believing I have a future, that I am back in the game....that I am going to live. But on the other hand, if I thought I wasn't going to live more than say a couple of years would I really want to spend that time working? Well no I wouldn't. Bloody hell I am soooo confused.
What's the answer? Maybe I should chill out and enjoy life and stop thinking and worrying about the future or lack of it. Perhaps I should just see this year out, get to my one year post transplant and think about it again then. Yep that sounds like a plan, thanks blog!
Thanks for listening xxxxxx
