Well no drama to report, which is good right? I have settled in to this life of medical retirement quite nicely thankyou! Hospital wise I am going once a month for blood tests, first one was last week-everything totally normal,YAY how cool am I?! Ha 6 months to live my bottom!!! I have changed the language I use now in order to prevent my words taking effect on my cells on some spooky deeper level....................Soooo I have been given a prognosis based on my scan result and statistics, that is all (and to quote Monty Python's Spamalot " I'm not dead yet!") This is not denial, I accept the fact of death as in fact everyone needs to at some point BUT I am not going to passively resign to it either........making sense? possibly not! I am hoping for another scan in the next couple of months, just out of curiosity really, yeah ok and to see if I have chanted the mass away......
So, Wales....flippin' amazing experience! Obviously a course called 'Embracing Life and Death' was ridiculously timely (except not ridiculous actually spot on and how it should be) but also the experience of life on an Ashram was just awesome, and something I thought I would have to travel half way round the world to experience....hang on need more tea..
I arrived at the Ashram Wednesday night half an hour late but that soooo wasn't my fault! It really is in the middle of nowhere, but absolutely stunning. I was greeted and shown to my room that I shared with one other girl. Then joined everyone else in the dining room where they were eating in silence, proper silence - mouna. Obviously feeling a little bit wierded out and apprehensive but going with it (oh and soup was lush).
Long story short, found out that evening what the program was and slightly suprised that from the next evening there would be a week of silence! Again.....just going with it.......So, this was the schedule.
5:30 in the actual A.M!!!! bell rung to wake up
6:15 into the hall for silent sitting
6:45 Hatha yoga
7:45 Chanting
8:15 Meditation
8:45 Breakfast (Starving by now!! YUM porridge with fruit in mmmm)
9:30 Karma yoga (work on the ashram) I cleaned toilets and floors
11:00 Tea break
11:30 Session with Swami - would start with chanting then usually group work
12:30 Lunch
15:30 Yoga Nidra (psychic sleep, is like an intense guided meditation)
16:30 Tea break
17:00 Session with Swami (chant first)
18:30 Soup
20:00 Satsang (Q's & A's) and chanting
21:15 Bed
So yeah - not relaxing as such! By day 5 I was exhausted and quite worried that I was proper ill! But day 7 we had a day off, so lie in and no housework!! I accidentally broke silence when the bell rang at 10am for brekky and I was like "No effing way! its not ten o clock!!" I was gently sssshhhhd by my lovely room mate, but yes I had slept like the proverbial dead and man I had needed it cos after that I felt ok for the rest of the time (massive PHEW!! am actually still ok!!). There were nearly 20 of us on the course, 12 from outside and the rest residents of the Ashram, everyone had a different reason for being there, it wasn't particularly for people in my situation. Obviously we weren't silence in our group work that would be well wierd, during that time mostly in pairs we explored issues such as grief, regret, fear of death, euthanasia.... the conversations flowed easily and then we went back to silence so you were able to really digest and reflect without distraction. We also wrote a will, made a bucket list, visualised our last hour, did role play of death scenes, watched films about people dying there were lots of tears, hugs and OMs :)
On the last day of silence we had a fire ceremony and Mandala making, from 8am til about 12:15 there was constant chanting around a fire, it was a mantra to overcome death. It's not about living forever or anything but more asking that I may not leave this physical plane until I am spiritually mature, and then I will fall from the vine naturally........that's a pretty cool sentiment I think. The mandala was a big circle of sand encased in a thick rope, we had a load of flowers, shells, stones, beans, powder paints and more to place on as we wished, the only criteria was to start in the centre and move out.... I was merily making mine all beautiful with daisies n that and even an NZ Paua shell, I found a Budleigh pebble in my car and put that on - made some hearts out of bright spices, la la la, went to have a cup of tea, came back and BOOM! there was a skull right on my path! Honestly 360 degrees of circle and there's a skull there!!? Fine well a little thing like death wasn't going to stand in my way of reaching the edge of the circle, so I made a green heart right by the skull (green being the colour of the heart chakra) then I sprinkled a path of bright paint around the skull to the edge and ended with an identical circle that I had begun with.....phew! Dudes it was intense!! The mandala was beautiful but once it was finished and admired it was divided up and surrendered to NSEW, shame to destroy it but impermanence and all that :)
In summary, what did I get out of the retreat??
- Inner peace!! Seriously!!
- Chanting works wonders for me to still my mind so still doing that
- Acceptance (about day 6 reality really hit)
- Embracing the moment
- I have let a lot of rubbish from the past go
- I have a list of practical stuff to do
- Really knowing how I want my death to be, is same as birth plan - need a death plan!
- I met some amazing people
- I know the Ashram is there if I need to return at any time
- True appreciation of the ones I love (REALLY missed my pup)
- Its changed my eating habits for the better
- Learnt more about Yoga but also chilled out that I don't have to know it all!
- Oh and I kick ass at cleaning the a squat toilet!
In other news, I have gone GI Jane hair wise- eek! Is better than wispy haired scarey witch look tho, and it is growing and yes its brown again.......tried my wig on to go get my nails done but I just looked like a nob so sod it. ooooh and booked a week in Spain with J!! one week of lounging around reading and getting tanned right up - bliss!
Oh and haha I am awaiting my disabled parking badge! yeah baby! silver linings!!
TTFN
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