I have recently been reading some bumf about chemo and hair loss and 'coping' with it.....LOL 'coping' what does that mean?? losing your hair sucks ass, fact! but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger a ...and in some ways it has been an amazing experience, though NOT one I would wish on anyone!!!
I first had chemotherapy when I was 33, I
had shoulder length blonde hair and I had it cut into a short bob when I knew I
would soon lose it. My hair began to fall out slowly after the first treatment
and by 3 months I shaved my head because my hair was so thin. Initially I
bought 4 wigs on the internet and decided that this was the excuse I needed to
have the hair I had always wanted, I had a really long one made of actual human
hair –eeeww that was very similar in colour to my own, a blonde curly one
and a brunette and blonde one on a
pre-fitted head band…..well it all seemed like a good idea at the time! I wore wigs out and about and to work but not
at home. I never found the wigs comfortable for more than a couple of hours and
soon opted for custom made head scarves. I definitely compensated for my lack
of hair with other feminizing accessories, I wore big ear rings and necklaces
and learnt to apply make-up thanks to the ‘look good feel better’ charity.
What I found compounded my ‘sick’ appearance
the most was losing my eyebrows and eyelashes, I never realised before just how
much they frame your face and how odd you look without them. Unfortunately with
steroids I also piled on a load of weight so after a few months I just did not
recognise the person in the mirror, it was not a nice time.
However there was a plus side to this
experience. I had always been rather inconspicuous, deliberately, in the way I
look. -I never had the confidence to put myself ‘out there’ as it were.
Suddenly, with this cancer badge I had no choice, I had to develop a look that
blended with the headscarves and subsequently very short hair. I was now
conspicuous and had to embrace a different portrayal of me, and this meant
actually appearing confident and a little eccentric…when my hair grew back
enough to get away with looking like I may have actually chosen to be that
short I soon realized that I looked like the sort of person who had the confidence
to have really really short hair!! And actually I totally was not that
confident person but this strange twist of fate ensured that I was perceived
and therefore acted in a different way! I would never ever have had short hair
out of choice but luckily the pixie look actually suited me, and I was very
grateful for having a symmetrical head and non sticky out ears!!
This confidence stayed with me and
eventually I lost the chemo weight and kept my hair short. Generally I was a
different person, I had to be and at the end of the day- who really gives a
shit about what I look like apart from me? Having looked and felt like death warmed up it
was all a bonus!
After a couple of years I decided to grow
my hair again – it was fun, I eventually had enough to put in pig tails and
then wear up in a clip. Then I relapsed with the cancer and went through the
whole damn thing again, minus the wigs !!! this time around I was out and about
pretty much straight away with a shaved head, it still sucked but I knew it
would pass. fortunately I didn't lose my eyebrows or lashes this time. Fast forward through skinhead, short crop, unfortunate ginger dyeing experience, the to dark brown.... now I have a
mop of bleach blond curls which I clip back in different ways with fun and funky
clips, I love my hair more than ever and intend to keep it this way. Partly 'cos
I may well not live long enough to grow it long again but mostly ‘cos I love
it, its easy, its cool and its me. I am
fat again which is crappy……but I am alive and keen to see 40!! I still lament
my cancer free days and the fact that I have had to deal with so much shite.
But, big but – I am more confident, out going, and certain of myself than
anyone I know. I live in the moment and say yes to life and I know that my
situation and attitude inspires others and that is a gift. I revel in the irresponsibility
of being me but also just thrive on the fact of
how amazing our human embodiment is and how much potential for happiness
, love and fun we all possess….
Peace out xxx
