Reality Check!!

So I went to see my Consultant on Thursday for the results of my scan….disappointingly I have not magic ked the mass away, bums! It has grown BUT rather slowly…I don’t have the exact figures as the CT scan had not actually been reported on so my doctor read what he could of the images. I could see the mass quite clearly on the screen – quite helpfully it is growing away from my trachea and heart over to my right side (no I don’t know why they can’t just cut it out – it doesn’t work like that!!) Doesn’t appear to have spread anywhere else and my iron level is better than ever, all bloods normal.  Sooo plan is to start Brentuximab in January (didn’t want to risk being ill over xmas), it’s a new antibody treatment and may well give me temporary remission whilst not being as toxic as chemo – 30 minutes every 3 weeks for 3 months. Well you know, its fine I have nothing planned for January J. I asked him if I should give up wine and chocolate he replied he would definitely not advise this and went on to add “In fact you should be pampered with only fine wine and chocolate from ‘Hotel Chocalat’ – Physician’s orders” ; I think I might be a little bit in love with him.

Also this week we are the proud new tenants of a smarmy pad on the Marina, someone is definitely looking out for me, I started phoning places on Monday and had the keys on Thursday. It’s lush and instantly feels like home! we are very fortunate to have been donated some quality hand me downs from our mates who have just done some interior updating, so we are sorted! We have 2 bedrooms, a nice big living area and a balcony overlooking the boats, I can literally just sit, chilling out and observing the nautical world go by…we are even closer to the sea than before, and we are next door to a pub that arguably does the best food in town (Scampi!! Get in!!)  and a great pint of ale.

Have to admit that the scan results have been a major reality check for me and I am struggling to keep upbeat, I am not concerned that this current doom mode is permanent but I do feel a bit blurrrggh…. Was supposed to be going out grooving tomorrow night but just feel a bit old and passed it, this is probably the exact reason to go out and let loose but I haven’t got anything to wear and am not quite embracing my current ‘look’. Yep, am surely feeling a tad sorry for self, it will pass.

Oh yeah, am fully doing a ten km run in Brighton next weekend! I am pretty much relying on latent fitness and enthusiasm to get through it as my training has been somewhat ad hoc shall we say! We get the train to London Friday, see a show and then stay near Brighton until Tuesday, should be bags of girlie fun, nice! Then the week after I am back at the Ashram for a few days, just to top up my peace of mind and centeredness.

Decided that apart from more sunshiney holidays what I need in my life is regular massages and badminton (am easily pleased) so will set about making this happen asap! I am still enjoying being on the beach everyday, several times with Tilly, seeing my friends and all the laughter., ginger lattes, wine and obsessing that this entails, chilling out with my husband- just us two, and then regularly bugging my family at my ex flat that I still have a key for and can intrude at any time J My son has a lovely girlfriend and its so ace to see him being so loving and caring, he is on the right track….I am so proud, I love him so much xx

Just for the record, I am so glad I didn’t opt for more treatment back in July. It was such a massive decision to make and one I did not feel prepared for in order to make. But it was so right. I really do believe that there have been times in my life where a decision has come to me from a higher source. If I believed in God it would be him. What I believe is that there is an aspect of ‘us’ that is connected the  divine, all knowing something….and that if we can just get in touch with that energy beyond our ego identity then we know what we should do. When I decided to come back to England I  couldn’t rationalize it in usual terms, I just knew it….and it has turned out to be the best move, and I have been happier than ever since then. It’s the same with the treatment deal, I knew what I should do without knowing why. Now when I look back and contemplate what life would have been like with the standard treatment aiming for cure, I made the right choice 100 million percent! I wouldn’t have had Spain, Corfu, the Ashram, my London jaunts, crazy dancing nights, Tilly time, I would have to be afraid of anyone with a cough or sniffle and maybe die anyway! Rubbish! Nope! Give me bags of fun and yoga and my days are happy.

Ok – well I think I have cheered myself up! Excellent! Peace out y’all! May you be well, may you happy, may you live in peace.

Om Shanti J