Ok, well basically all good! Just returned from Corfu which was bags of fun :) Also ace to be home to my cosy bedroom, ace flat and crazy puppy!!
Have had an appointment for scan 2nd November (lets all visualize together...."this is most unusual...but the tumour appears to have, well, shrunk.................we need to do more tests..." what do you think??? But you know it's ok I am prepared for the more 'realistic' conversation; whatever , it is at is is!
My current, small, sadness, is that I don't see how the story ends.......... I mean for y'all it's easy, slightly tragic, yet bitter sweet etc but for me..........what will my son's life turn out like, will my bros get married? will my parents be ok? how will hubby be? what about my mates and their families how will they expand and proceed?? I want to see it all, and I know I won't....that's a bit sucky. Having time away with my mates and their baby was so nice and I love this child and I feel a bond with her and I am sad that I won't see her grow and have siblings and I want to be in her life and yet I know she won't even remember me....bugga, even my dog will out live me!!
Well anyway, despite this mini rant I am actually really happy! I am really quite relieved to have these thoughts to prove to myself that I am not in denial about what's happening, if that makes sense!
Peace out!!!
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PS X Factor is proper pants this week!!
Saturday 22 October 2011
Tuesday 11 October 2011
I forgot!!!
Oh yeah in the midst of all that navel gazing I forgot to update re my latest consultant appointment! well..................
x
- bloods all totally normal (oh yeah its ya birthday da da da da)
- He was pleasantly suprised at my general wellbeing :) (IN YA FACE CANCER!!)
- pretty much expected me to be unwell by now (ha!! doubt it!)
- happy to scan me again ........and then posibly PET scan if .....ooooh has stayed same/grown minimally / ahem...disappeared....just to double check what we are dealing with (expanding scar tissue? unlikely but not unheard of!!)
- talked about possible antibody therapy -but obviously if scan fine then see above!
- Have told him that if it has gone ..then I will share secret..........ommmm!!!!
x
Happy Days :)
Yesterday I truly realised that I am totally content with my life, I am happy, I have amazing relationships and interactions, I do not need for anything, I feel energetic, I wake up to the sound of the sea, I am sooooo loved :) my dog rocks! me and hubby in good place, my son is like proper cool now, I have a clear mind, my family are ace, I don't have to go to work! blimey it goes on and on! I have massive gratitude for my life, there's no squeaky wheel......just contentment! So at the risk of sounding either like a nutter, a hippy or high on something......I AM SOOO HAPPY :)
However, I am also rather spun out.......hmmmmm is it really this easy to accept that I might not be here this time next year or that at some point I will probably feel really rubbish? Well it feels easy, I mean I know what potentially lies ahead but I just can't seem to worry about it now or be sad now, I just don't see the point! I have strived to live in the now for so very long and I do feel I am there, I highly recommend it! But on the other hand am I just in denial? Am I? I don't think so, I have been through enough to know shit properly does happen! During the retreat I did I really felt like I stared death in the face (and btw she was quite lovely and kindly) and it was an amazing journey and process it just seemed to sort me out on many levels. I still chant nearly every day and just 10 minutes a day sorts me right out. So what brings this on you may ask, well I went to the Ashram again for weekend with my brother (it was obviously fab) and there I met a young man in a similar position to me, but he is fighting with all his might to do everything possible to cure himself. And I felt quite guilty that I wasnt doing all that stuff and on the contrary spending my money and kind donations on holidays and puppies and fun rather than searching for a cure.....I felt a big should and have thought a lot about it. I suppose one of the biggest factors for me is that I really trust my doctors (and research does show that has a significant effect on positive outcome) and ok yes they are going to keep offering chemo cos thats what they know, but on the other hand they have never tried to talk me into something I dont want to do, on the contrary have been exceptionally supportive and I feel that I have been able to be a true partner in my own care. Plus of course after 12 years as a health professional I have seen that the majority of the time the patients best interests are paramount, I have never been involved with treatment or care that was with any other intention than just all good. So, hmmm where does that leave me...still happy but a little unsettled. You see if I really believed that there was a cure that would allow me to continue quality of life and longevity and was guaranteed say over 80% I would do anything, but it seems all the treatments conventional and alternative all have side effects or time, money factors with very little guarantee of good outcome. Again having worked before my training since 13 in care homes and then hospitals I have known for a long time that clinging on to life for the sake of being alive was not for me.....BUT am I just giving up too easily!!? Right that's enough, answers on a postcard please to me!
Anyway, Spain was fab!! Have big night on Wednesday as is my little brother's birthday and we are all having a family meal out then he is supporting an ace hip hop band- its going to be so fun!! And even tho I look like a big fat tanned mr potato head I am still going to rock the party :) Oh and Corfu Friday! Yeah baby!!
Have started training for a 10km run in Brighton in November so hopefully will be all fit and lovely very soon! Ok gotta go in to town for supplies, am official house bitch now so have my chores to do.....
Massive LOVE
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
However, I am also rather spun out.......hmmmmm is it really this easy to accept that I might not be here this time next year or that at some point I will probably feel really rubbish? Well it feels easy, I mean I know what potentially lies ahead but I just can't seem to worry about it now or be sad now, I just don't see the point! I have strived to live in the now for so very long and I do feel I am there, I highly recommend it! But on the other hand am I just in denial? Am I? I don't think so, I have been through enough to know shit properly does happen! During the retreat I did I really felt like I stared death in the face (and btw she was quite lovely and kindly) and it was an amazing journey and process it just seemed to sort me out on many levels. I still chant nearly every day and just 10 minutes a day sorts me right out. So what brings this on you may ask, well I went to the Ashram again for weekend with my brother (it was obviously fab) and there I met a young man in a similar position to me, but he is fighting with all his might to do everything possible to cure himself. And I felt quite guilty that I wasnt doing all that stuff and on the contrary spending my money and kind donations on holidays and puppies and fun rather than searching for a cure.....I felt a big should and have thought a lot about it. I suppose one of the biggest factors for me is that I really trust my doctors (and research does show that has a significant effect on positive outcome) and ok yes they are going to keep offering chemo cos thats what they know, but on the other hand they have never tried to talk me into something I dont want to do, on the contrary have been exceptionally supportive and I feel that I have been able to be a true partner in my own care. Plus of course after 12 years as a health professional I have seen that the majority of the time the patients best interests are paramount, I have never been involved with treatment or care that was with any other intention than just all good. So, hmmm where does that leave me...still happy but a little unsettled. You see if I really believed that there was a cure that would allow me to continue quality of life and longevity and was guaranteed say over 80% I would do anything, but it seems all the treatments conventional and alternative all have side effects or time, money factors with very little guarantee of good outcome. Again having worked before my training since 13 in care homes and then hospitals I have known for a long time that clinging on to life for the sake of being alive was not for me.....BUT am I just giving up too easily!!? Right that's enough, answers on a postcard please to me!
Anyway, Spain was fab!! Have big night on Wednesday as is my little brother's birthday and we are all having a family meal out then he is supporting an ace hip hop band- its going to be so fun!! And even tho I look like a big fat tanned mr potato head I am still going to rock the party :) Oh and Corfu Friday! Yeah baby!!
Have started training for a 10km run in Brighton in November so hopefully will be all fit and lovely very soon! Ok gotta go in to town for supplies, am official house bitch now so have my chores to do.....
Massive LOVE
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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