Cancer remission / depression

Oh my goodness! I have been in such a fug (is that a word) funk (american) well just plain depression for too long! I have been on anti depressants since relapse 2 years ago and now..... Yeeha I am alive and yet cannot afford to live..and have lost all the mojo that dying gave me. Spoilt brat? You bet! But I think I am coming out the other side!
On hearing (see last post) that I should be 'making long term plans' I have been freaking out about getting a career, affording to sustain myself in my flat etc. But what has happened is that I have lost sight of life, and I mean actual LIVING life and making what I have been through count! 
But I think I have got it now! And here is the plan......
I need an adventure! I spent my 20's being a mum to a small child, my 30's going abroad to seek (and find) a career, built a house, got cancer, had some personal dramas and now I am in my 40s (thank God) I have none of the above! I have been feeling like I have lost everything, and have been lamenting and grieving and generally feeling sorry for myself!
So....adventure planning...thanks to an inspirational young lady who has just beat Hodgkins too...I am getting my life back on track! And the first lesson from her is reflecting back on the enthusiasm for life that I once had and bloody just doing what you want!! So..Costa Rica here I come! Am already learning Spanish so that's cool..maybe work in a wildlife sanctuary and / or spend time at a yoga retreat but basically..life is ON!!
Long term plan = work towards getting away for a couple of months next year to experience some amazing stuff! And I have come to terms with the fact that I will need to forgo (?word) my material possessions temporarily in order to do so. My mum will look after my dog which is fab, so no excuses. Mney is obviously an obstacle but I am going to start saving, however little so that the Universe picks up on the fact that I am serious!
Also I have just posted on facebook an idea for a business that I am very excited about...

I have a business idea. It's not massive money making but would be awesome. So, when I was 'dying' I spent a long weekend at sacha's house with deb and helen. We went to a show, had dinner in London. Did a 10km run, I was sent up in the air on a bi plane, we had tattoos, fish and chips and champagne on Brighton beach, shared a ridiculously huge bath together, cooked pancakes, danced til the wee hours, watched dvds, had cocktails and manicures and a generally awesome time! What if we could provide awesome weekends similar to that for ladies going through shit times?! Offer accomodation, all meals, pampering, activities out, yoga, reiki.whatever...all commemorated in a lovely photo book. Seek out rental homes that would do us a deal and make bespoke special weekends?? Just putting it out there for opinions... we all know how therapeutic girl time is, and also how when we know someone having a hard time how much we want to do something. My vision would be 4-6 ladies with the spoilt girl going free...maybe a website could take financial donations for the cause and for specific people, it could maybe be a charity based thing with concessions..what are your thoughts FB fam?


So all in all I think life may be looking up!!
xxx

Long term plans?? Life after Brentuximab / Adcetris & Stem cell transplant

“………start making long term plans…” 
that is what my Consultant said at my last appointment. Oh my flipping God! This is MASSIVE! This man is Dr ‘hard facts only’, I love him to pieces, trust him implicitly, respect him hugely. He always accepts my decisions and makes me feel comfortable with them and yet he I would never know if he thought I had done the ‘right’ thing in his opinion. He is highly pragmatic and is comfortable with presenting the facts and evidence but offers little guidance. I have been, at times, frustrated by this but ultimately empowered; I am sure that my trust and confidence in him has contributed to the fortunate position of health I now find myself in. And now here is giving me actual advice!

Anyway, back to the start of the recent consultation. Since my stem cell transplant and subsequent remission I have never asked what my odds were, I figured that a) stats were pretty much meaningless b) I had defied them so far c) I had been told they were poor back in 2011 so despite my successful treatment I figured my odds were about 15-30%. So…imagine my surprise when I summoned the courage to ask my Consultant what he thought, I told him I was finding it hard to move on and plan for the future. After some ‘umming’ and ‘erring’ he offered an intelligent guestimate (as I am a bit unusual there are no hard stats) of more than 50% (Disease free survival in 3 years) or, and I quote, “fairly good”……..well bloody hell! This is properly amazing! And that’s when he went on to say that he advised I “……start making long term plans…”

Since that conversation I have moved into my own flat (first time ever moving in somewhere solo) and applied for a completely fabulous job (fingers and toes crossed!) I am entering a new chapter and it’s very scary and also exciting, more scary right now!

I am still great friends with my ‘sort of’ ex husband and he continues to be a huge support to me and despite everything that has happened we are cool. But now we are learning to live properly separate lives and it can be lonely. I think for both of us our existence has been defined by the lymphoma and other pain for so long, now we are having to negotiate new ground together and apart.

Crazily, life is harder than it was when I was dying! Back then, nothing could touch me….financial problems? Who cares! I look like an idiot? Whatever! Now there are consequences, responsilbilities…..yuk!

And I am approaching 41, obviously awesome BUT I have gone from being a proper professional type person with a snazzy home, respectable income, mortgage, career etc to working for minimum wage (although my job is ace) and living in a little rented flat, alone. Yet I have my health, and it seems a future! So cheers to that.

In other news, loving my Spanish class! Started Disco spin, which is pretty much the best thing ever and the musical I was in last year was soooo much fun...there are lots of fun things happening over the Summer, always something to look forward to.

Om Shanti

xx