It's my son's informal ceremony today to celebrate the end of his GCSE course, as we were talking about it this morning he told me that I could come as long as I wasn't embaressing......I promised to behave.Then I realised that I was feeling some reluctance to going, but why? I have no other commitments today, am I just being lazy?? No, I have woken up today feeling a bit down which is in big contrast to my recent joy - I don't really know where it's come from. But the upshot of it is that I feel low in confidence and don't feel up to going and meeting new people and being a normal grown up. My jeans are too tight and my hair is short and thin - I feel like crap. I can cope very well with the people I know and actually socialise a lot (am cooking for 9 tomorrow then we are all out to watch a band). So I explained to him how I was feeling and said I didn't want to go, he was cool and said he would get a train and then hang out after with his friends. A few minutes later he said actually can you come? And you do look nice when you make an effort (bless him). So I will put my face on, 'do' my remaining hair, get changed and just try and man up, for my son.
I suppose what goes up must come down and the same for my mood but I have 12 days til the big hospital stay and I intend to make the most of it so how to shake it off!!? I just want to sleep. I miss the energetic super fit (slim) me I was before biopsies, chemo, steroids etc....Just yesterday I went through the photos of this last year to choose a load to collage and take into hospital, man I have had so much fun! When I looked at photos I thought ok good times will be back and I will be lovely again! Today the thought of the photos makes me feel a bit sad and nostalgic for a diminishing self......what a difference a day makes!
This too shall pass........
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