It is pouring with rain! It was midsummer yesterday! Do you know what though I don't care that it looks like winter out there.....Why don't I care because I feel great, I feel normal! And each day of feeling ok is a gift to me and pretty much nothing else matters! This is doing wonders for my relationships! Particularly with my beloved, small stuff? - get over it! Even past dramas which I usually cling on to for dear life are beginning to stay where they belong, in the past! Because dammit today is MINE and no one and nothing is going to take it away from me!
Overall I feel that I am coping better emotionally with this lot of chemo in comparison to the ABVD. The Drs told me that this regime (ESHAP) was more intense and yes probably physically I feel pretty battered for 7-10 days. I feel totally exhausted, can sleep up to 18 hours a day, appetite goes very strange, I get dreadful constipation and subsequent pain and bloat. Feeling like that day after day makes me grumpy because I get bored and frustrated, but what gets me through is accepting it, and knowing it will pass and will feel not just ok again but bloody great!! I guess with the ABVD I only had a few days of feeling 100% and then I was back in again cos it was 2 week cycles, plus I was trying to work, and I was the other side of the world, there was no organised support in NZ, and I did not have any faith in the coordination of my care (another story) and there was no end in sight because the plan changed frequently, I had no plan for what I would like to do once I was better, and I was angry too I had gone through a real crisis of faith - how can this happen? I am so positive and fit and young etc....I resented the illness for as I saw it robbing me of my youth....by the end of 6 months I was literally on the floor and at that point asked my GP for anti depressants.
This time.......I am home!! YAY! So am lucky enough to be able to call on any number of people friends and family to accompany me to appointments, rub my feet, generally entertain me! I am not working at all until I am better which is huge weight off my shoulders,I had my hair chopped once it started to thin sounds obvious but last time it thinned and thinned until I shaved it, I live right by the sea which is sooooooo good for me, I started anti depressants as soon as I suspected a relapse, I have 100% faith in my amazing team at the hospital so I can relax and just be a patient, I have a clear plan of care, oh yeah I have a picc line! Picc line is frieendddd! My relationships with my beloved and my son are in a really good place, the recent yoga study and practice I have done has helped me keep perspective, I accept what is happening for what it is and aim to walk in the experience and learn form it rather than resent and reject it, and I have a growing list of stuff to do when I get better!
So, today I have a scan, then counselling, then massage :)
Next wednesday 'they' will discuss me at the MDT meeting and I see them next Thursday for plan which will probably be 6th July hospital admission BEAM chemo then stem cell transplant then recover then home ....hurrah!
Fingers crossed then for a clean shiney scan!
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