Well, the good news is I am going in to hospital this Wednesday for my stem cell transplant adventure! At last! Hurrah! This is it, cure time...or else! I was not dealing at all well with the uncertainty and waiting, I mean physically I have felt totally fine; but mentally, not so good. Anyway, now I have had 'the chat' with my consultant, signed the consent and am ready to rock 'n' roll.
So what's the bad news then? Oh that, yeah, it seems I have relapsed.......oh bugga. Yes, since June with the to-ing and fro-ing and appointments, my holidays, dr's holidays, madness virus scare, brain scan, spinal tap....blah blah..lung test, heart test......sometime in the last few months the lymphoma has crept back.
I found this out about 10 days ago, it was not what I was expecting but now that I know what I know- it was a possibility I had considered. At first I was angry (which I have managed to mostly avoid in this whole journey) I was angry that this had all taken so long and if I had been admitted when I anticipated I may still be in remission. Then I was angry at myself that I hadn't just got on with the donor transplant as I would have been done and dusted by now (that hospital didn't mess around..all the pre transplant tests were scheduled on one day). Most of all though I was angry at wasting time being down, I have been low for months and feeling generally depressed and lethargic and shite. I was really cross for feeling that way when I was physically ok, but also i felt guilty that my negative state of mind and non shiney rainbowness may have affected this relapse??
Well, what does this mean in terms of 'the plan' ? Nothing, the fact I no longer have a negative PET scan means I am less likely to be cured by the transplant, by how much? who knows, and to be honest I don't want to know. To me now, I am either in the 'cured' stats...or not! It kind of doesn't matter what the figures are- I just have to believe this transplant will work, and I do.
The last week I have been uber aware everyday that I wake up that my days of relatively care free days are numbered (for a while). The last few days hubby and me have lived in a lovely bubble of slobbing, veggie sausages, doggie cuddles, walks on the common, hot chocolate in my dad's campervan, and many mini series episodes..........I have new PJs and loads of new marks n spencers knickers ready for hospital (the chick in M&S thought I was nuts! I was just like ".....yeah - I just really like new knickers......")
There we are, there's my update. I want to blog my stem cell transplant experience, for anyone who is interested but mostly so anyone else about to embark on this journey can read first hand what it entails.
Anyway, I am off to eat stinky blue cheese and other yummy things that will be banned for the next few months!!
Hasta luego
xxxxxxx
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