Yesterday I truly realised that I am totally content with my life, I am happy, I have amazing relationships and interactions, I do not need for anything, I feel energetic, I wake up to the sound of the sea, I am sooooo loved :) my dog rocks! me and hubby in good place, my son is like proper cool now, I have a clear mind, my family are ace, I don't have to go to work! blimey it goes on and on! I have massive gratitude for my life, there's no squeaky wheel......just contentment! So at the risk of sounding either like a nutter, a hippy or high on something......I AM SOOO HAPPY :)
However, I am also rather spun out.......hmmmmm is it really this easy to accept that I might not be here this time next year or that at some point I will probably feel really rubbish? Well it feels easy, I mean I know what potentially lies ahead but I just can't seem to worry about it now or be sad now, I just don't see the point! I have strived to live in the now for so very long and I do feel I am there, I highly recommend it! But on the other hand am I just in denial? Am I? I don't think so, I have been through enough to know shit properly does happen! During the retreat I did I really felt like I stared death in the face (and btw she was quite lovely and kindly) and it was an amazing journey and process it just seemed to sort me out on many levels. I still chant nearly every day and just 10 minutes a day sorts me right out. So what brings this on you may ask, well I went to the Ashram again for weekend with my brother (it was obviously fab) and there I met a young man in a similar position to me, but he is fighting with all his might to do everything possible to cure himself. And I felt quite guilty that I wasnt doing all that stuff and on the contrary spending my money and kind donations on holidays and puppies and fun rather than searching for a cure.....I felt a big should and have thought a lot about it. I suppose one of the biggest factors for me is that I really trust my doctors (and research does show that has a significant effect on positive outcome) and ok yes they are going to keep offering chemo cos thats what they know, but on the other hand they have never tried to talk me into something I dont want to do, on the contrary have been exceptionally supportive and I feel that I have been able to be a true partner in my own care. Plus of course after 12 years as a health professional I have seen that the majority of the time the patients best interests are paramount, I have never been involved with treatment or care that was with any other intention than just all good. So, hmmm where does that leave me...still happy but a little unsettled. You see if I really believed that there was a cure that would allow me to continue quality of life and longevity and was guaranteed say over 80% I would do anything, but it seems all the treatments conventional and alternative all have side effects or time, money factors with very little guarantee of good outcome. Again having worked before my training since 13 in care homes and then hospitals I have known for a long time that clinging on to life for the sake of being alive was not for me.....BUT am I just giving up too easily!!? Right that's enough, answers on a postcard please to me!
Anyway, Spain was fab!! Have big night on Wednesday as is my little brother's birthday and we are all having a family meal out then he is supporting an ace hip hop band- its going to be so fun!! And even tho I look like a big fat tanned mr potato head I am still going to rock the party :) Oh and Corfu Friday! Yeah baby!!
Have started training for a 10km run in Brighton in November so hopefully will be all fit and lovely very soon! Ok gotta go in to town for supplies, am official house bitch now so have my chores to do.....
Massive LOVE
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